When a Relationship Ends, Should You De-friend?
Struggling with whether or not to de-friend your ex? If you can check off ANY of the following boxes then I’d say yes.
- You NEED them out of your life. Sometimes a break up is so overwhelming that you need to call it quits cold turkey. None of this “we’ll be friends” or “we’ll keep in touch,” you need a cold, hard break. This is not to say that at some point in the future you two won’t be able to reconnect…but if you’re having a really rough time right now, the best thing you can do for yourself may be to cut off all contact. This means cutting off all electronic contact as well. (And yes, looking at their Facebook profile counts as contact…even if they don’t know you’re doing it).
- You’re going to drive yourself crazy monitoring their activity. In the case of a recent break up, sometimes less is more. There is no reason you need to know everyone they are talking to, what they’re doing in their spare time, and who’s writing on their wall. For now, it’s okay to put blinders on and stay in the dark about any new people they may be flirting with. If you know that you are going to be obsessively checking their profile, save yourself by removing that option.
- You think they will constantly be checking yours (and you want more privacy). On the flip side, you might not want your ex to know every single person that YOU’RE talking to, or everything you’re doing. If you think that your ex is going to get upset about things that are on your profile then it’s probably best to save their feelings and your concern. After a break up you need to move on—if you’re constantly having to monitor your Facebook posts, you’re living in the past. Sometimes, the most sensitive thing to do post break up is to disappear as much as you can from your ex’s life.
- They tend to be immature or competitive. Let’s consider this a preemptive strike. If you suspect that your ex is going to purposely be doing insensitive things just to get under your skin, don’t even let them start. You don’t want to be getting into Facebook wars with your ex, or get sucked into posting insensitive things yourself. The best part of breaking up in the first place is that you can STOP arguing. De-friending your ex in this situation may be the easiest way to take the high road.
The biggest downside to de-friending your ex is the possibility that the action with hurt their feelings. If your ex gets upset with you, explain that you did what you thought would be the best for both of you in the short term. Say you’re going through a difficult time and thought that this might make it easier. Make sure they know that you didn’t do it to be spiteful, you did it to be thoughtful. It’s true what they say that time heals all, and if you want to, eventually you’ll get to a place where you can be friends with your ex—both on and off Facebook.
So what’s your status on de-friending? Tell us in the comments how you handle Facebook after you break up.
Amber Madison has been writing about sex, love, and relationships since college (she went to Tufts University) when she wrote for her school newspaper's sex ed column. Since graduating, she's published two books: Hooking Up: A Girl's All-Out Guide to Sex and Sexuality and Talking Sex With Your Kids and has been quoted in a ton of different media outlets from Seventeen magazine to MTV to NPR. Have a question for Amber? Send us an email!
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WHAT OTHER TEENS ARE SAYING:
My ex and I broke up a few days ago. We have broken up before in the past few months but this time it’s different. I moved away and we still visited each other. It was hard and it seemed as if he was trying to get even more control over me while I was here and he was there but it lead to some harsh fights and decisions. He broke it off with me. He kept us together as a couple on Facebook but didn’t log in as much to check on me. Why? I sent him numerous texts explaining how sorry I am and how much he means to me. He hasn’t been online in a day now. Which is very unlike him. Why would he be trying to not check when he always used to check on me? I am so lost and confused. All I want to do is go see him and be with him. Please help. He has always come back around but this time is much, much different.
It’s tough. I caught by self looking at her Twitter so I unfollowed her. She still was following me so that have me easy way to her profile so EVERY time I got online and looked through my followers I would click on her profile to look at her pics n read her post. I noticed it was ridiculous that I kept making my self feel hurt like that so I had no choice but to block her n then unblock her bc that would be crazy to totally block her so now she can still look me up but she’s not blocked. She knows I unfollowed her n ion if she felt any way about it or not but it is for the best for me. I’m still willing to be cool with her but rn I need to get my focus on n get back to who I was b4 I met her instead of being this sad stressed kinda stalkish ex bf.
My boyfrd defreind me after i broke up with hm,wat da reasn bhde it,he didnt tel me anythdg bt am glad he did it because am now moving on
Deciding whether to delete him off facebook is hard for me. We broke up 2 weeks ago today, after dating for 10 months. Our relationship was completely physical, (besides television) because we didn’t have anything in common. We should have gotten to know each other better first. Anyways, the day we broke up, he started dating a new girl, who happens to be my neighbor. It wouldn’t be such a big deal, but I have to see him next door all the time, and see them together at school. I wish I could delete him off facebook, but I would always be tempted to send him a request again or wonder what he was doing. I figure it wouldn’t help since I see him all the time anyway. I tried to be friends with him but everytime I try to talk to him, I just break down and cry, because even though we weren’t good together, we were with each other everyday for 10 months. I had no friends besides him, so now I am totally lost and lonely. I don’t know what to do.
i think it’s better if you delete them, if you are heartbroken and if they really hurt you than that’s the best choice. I did it and i got over it faster and there wasn’t so much pressure, i felt realised. Also, keeping yourself busy will help too, even though if at first you think it’s not working, eventually it does help. After some time just think about other things because if you dont have them on facebook or whatever every time you check your online things you’ll eventually get use to not seeing their name or their pics.
well thts just horrible why do guys do that they just get with girls to do the NASTY!!!!
I think it’s better off to delete them. My girlfriend and i have tried to work things out three times during the past 3 years, and we only got to the one night stand and stop talking again. I think Facebook sometimes makes things worst since she sometimes messages me to hang out. I think I’m better off without her though. I don’t want to feel used by her or have confusing feelings all over again
my ex moved to sp and now im gonna move to sp
i see this happen almost everytime with my friend she will go back with for no reason ,and if he finds out she is dating any else more than him he will call her a plus he give her gifts if does those things to her,I mean seriously its ridlculous!!! Also she break with guy for him no matter how he treats her!!
My ex boyfriend of a little over a year asked could we still be friends after he broke up with me. at the moment I was like sure but after the break actually settled in my heart and feelings started to actually hurt and i couldnt handle looking at his twitter or instagram so i had to unfollow and block and all that and i havent talked to him at all he texted me a while back to see if we could be friends but i told him that i need time i dont think he grasps the fact that he really hurt me and i feel like he is just trying to play the good guy i applaud him and i forgive him and all but i just cant be his “friend” right now because in reality he broke my heart and betrayed my trust so de-friending is a definite GO in the “getting over a break-up” stage.
Am going to go crazy if I check what my ex is doing
Well my boyfriend and I had a great relationship. It went all well until my parents found out and cut me off from him. We still called, texted, facebooked and all. But finally, I got fed up with just calling and never seeing cuz most of the time he was “always crazy busy”. So I met up with him at his job and realized that I was tired of never getting a call or a text back from him and having to hide my relationship from my parents. I ended it but cried my eyes out for weeks. I kept facebook stalking him and feeling like poop about what was going on in his life. This article really helped. And I did cut off from all contact with him.
I’ve been with the same guy off and on for two and a half years, and I love him so much. This time around dating we’ve been together for six months. What would have happened if when the first time we broke up I deleted him off of Facebook? I think it’s immature to delete your ex off of Facebook. And it’s always good to try and stay friends. But maybe that’s just me. Good luck with deciding 🙂
My ex and I had split up a while ago. we were living in different states and were probably not going to have that much contact with each other again, but we both said we would remain friends on facebook just to keep in touch for the distant future. It had been a good 6 months or so later that I started to put up pictures of my new girlfriend on facebook. I didn’t think anything of it at the time and one day when i was curious as to where my ex / ex friend was and what she was doing I found out that she had de friended me and then blocked me from even finding her on facebook. I know she blocked me becuase I had a friend of mine search for her and bingo she came up. It hurt a little. I just wanted to stay in her life as a friend, but she clearly did not want me to and did not want me as a friend any more. I was more sad that I had lost a friend than that my ex of a year and a half had de friended me.
My boyfriend broke up with me. i un-friened him but that didnt help me at all. we are friends but my heart is broken and when i try to ask him y, i start crying. it hurts so much. i dont know if i can move on. please help me! i dont know what to do
I was with my boyfriend off and on for 3 years. Then this year we dated for 5 months straight. Then he broke up with me and I don’t know why. But i am still upset that he broke up with me. Because I still am in love with him. I don’t know how to get him out of my head. It seems everything I do or think of it ends up to be him. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to not be depressed. I NEED HELP 🙁
My ex and I broke up six months ago. We had been together for a year and a half. It was very hard for me to cope, so I chose to unfriend him on facebook and we only text every other week. This was a good idea to me because it limited our communication, and I also didn’t have to see all his updates so he wouldn’t constantly be on my mind. Now, we are friends on facebook again, and are both engaged in other relationships. We are actually very good friends.
i broke up with my ex because he was masturbating on camera, and now its impossible to be friends, partly because we started dating before he had really gotten to know each other, but mostly because i know he still likes me.
so this saturday im giving him back the necklace he gave me, so he can get closure, or at least a clue.
my ex and i didnt have to bad of an ending and said we’d still be friends until he realised his good friends still stayed friends with me. then he flipped out at me and i deleted him ex off my facebook and off my phone, and it has helped me a lot! from what his friends have told me tho is hes tried contacting me but since hes blocked on my phone i didnt get them. is that bad or good?
Well I mean me and my ex had a really good relationship then i told him we had to break up because of my mom and then he said ok you still want to be friends and i said yeaa sure then 1 month after we broke up the day before school let out he told me he still liked me so we talked for about a week then all of a sudden he cut me off and we havent talked since……..So i’d say only if you had a REALLY GOOD relationship with that person!
Its not that hard to push a button and delete them, you’ll feel much better once u do anyway.
i think that defriending your ex when you just broke up would be a good idea cause it gives you some time not worrying about them so i really like this article for that reason
the day my ex broke up with me, i immediately unfriended him from facebook and i blocked his profile from my computer. it really helped to get me to move on and i wont be tempted to look at his posts and then mope around later. cutting off all contact with him was probably the biggest help of all.
Don’t go back your better off alone don’t do sex till ur marries
Don’t go back with him, you are better than that. After you go back with him, it”ll get around school and other guys will find out and they may think of you as easy to get with, which i’m sure your not. You are a stronger person and don’t need him. If he just wants you back for sex then don’t go back to him, you deserve so much better than him. And he’s out there.
I have a friend and i think i need to tell him about this web site
It depends, because if you two are still okay then no but if you’re heartbroken and are just gonna be crazy monitoring what their doing, who their with, etc then delete!
I JUST BREAK UP WITH MY BOYFRIEND HE WANT TO GO BACK WITH TO HAVE SEX
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