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Help! My Partner is More Experienced Than I Am...

Help! My Partner is More Experienced Than I Am...

Get your relationship moving at a pace you're both comfortable with. 

As if dating wasn’t complicated enough! Throw in different levels of sexual experience and all bets are off. If you’re in this position, here are some things to keep in mind.

Virginity isn’t the only thing that stops people from having sex. The fact that you’ve never done a specific sexual act before may be one reason that keeps you from doing it. However, there are still MANY other reasons that people may not feel ready to get sexual in a relationship (whether we’re talking sex or any other activity). Before you go too far with someone, you want to feel comfortable in the relationship, feel unquestionably respected, feel the freedom to move at your own pace, and feel personally ready. It doesn’t matter how many times a person has done something before, with each new person it’s a whole new process of getting ready. This is all to say that you shouldn’t assume your “experienced” partner is ready just because it may have been something they’ve done before.

They’re likely not expecting sex from you. You may assume that once you’ve gone to a certain point physically it’s a requirement that all other relationships get to that point as well. Quite simply, that’s just not the case. And in fact, your more experienced partner might actually be worried about what YOU think about their experience—the same as you may be worrying what your partner thinks about your lack of experience. 

Some of the pressure might actually be off! Before you do something for yourself it can be easy to believe the hype. And when it comes to sex, there is A LOT of hype you could believe (most of which is totally false BTW). Having a partner who’s experienced may mean they’re better able to see through the myths, because they’ve done it so they know. All of that crap that “you can’t get really close to someone without sex,” or that “sex creates some sort of indestructible bond” is exactly the type of thing that your partner will hopefully know is NOT true.

Someone who cares about you should always care about moving at your pace. In some ways, experience is irrelevant, because someone who cares about you should always care more about you and your comfort than about sex. If they don’t, that’s the sign of a selfish partner…and, frankly, one who’s not worth your time. Sex (and all other stuff leading up to it) is supposed to be fun. If you’re being pressured, or you feel obligated to do something to keep your partner happy, then I promise it won’t be fun. If you want to do something nice for your sweetie, plan a nice date or take an interest in an activity they love that you’ve never tried before. If you want to feel closer to them, really open up and be there for them to really open up to you.  Sex isn’t the way to achieve closeness or happiness in relationship.  If it were just that simple, then the divorce rate wouldn’t be 50%...

So basically, having a more experienced partner isn't necessarily something to stress about. Just like ANY relationship issue, having open and honest communication is key and talking to your partner about your boundaries, what you're comfortable with, and how you want things to progress will make all the difference.

Author: Amber M.
Teenagers sitting on a tree limb

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