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When It's Right It's…Um

Sometimes you just know. But more often than not, you’ve got questions. Is he right? Is she the one? It’s tough to know when things are worth working on or it’s better to quit while you’re ahead. Ask Us Anything about your relationship. 

How do you make something official? I've kind of had a thing with this one guy since April. We go out and he buys me movies and dinner and ice cream, and I go over to his house every Sunday, but when someone asked him if I was his girlfriend, he said no - before turning to me and asking, "Are you?" I told him I could if he wanted me to be, he need only ask, but when he said he was too afraid to ask, I did instead. He asked to think about it, but hasn't brought it up since. How do I try to further this without being pushy or clingy?

It sounds like you and this guy are both a little bit confused as to where you stand in your relationship. It’s really tough to be in that gray area. If you’ve already given him plenty of time to think about it, it’s totally fair to ask him if he’s come to a decision. Approach it gently, but if you guys are already friends, you might both have concerns about a relationship that you want to address. A really common concern for people going from friendship to relationship is maintaining the friendship that brought you guys together in the first place. If you have an honest conversation and get all of your concerns out in the open, it will be better for your relationship in the long run, whether you decide to stay friends or begin dating.

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Is it right to like a guy who you know is a player, even though you had some good times together in the past?

Sometimes you can’t help being attracted to someone—even if you know that he can be a heartbreaker! It’s totally fine and normal to be attracted to this type of guy, and, hey, you aren’t alone in your crush if he has a reputation for being a player. Reputation isn’t everything, and its fine to give this guy a chance, but you might want to proceed with a little bit of caution if you want to move from having a crush to dating this guy. 

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Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 6 months. We are super great together and we understand each other well. But lately something has been seeming very off to me. It's making me question if our relationship is going to last. I haven't been feeling that same excited feeling every time I see him because we have been having a lot of arguements lately. The past week or two over really stupid things. So my question is...does this mean I'm not in love with him anymore? Is this the end? We've done so much and been through so much together I'm so scared. He's such a good boyfriend.

The best thing that you can do is talk to your boyfriend—if you’ve been feeling like something is off between the two of you, chances are, he noticed too. If you want a resolution, you have to be honest with each other about what’s bothering you in the relationship. You might be able to resolve whatever is causing these fights, and it will make your relationship stronger. However, sometimes feelings change, and you might decide being in a relationship isn’t the best choice for you anymore. That doesn’t mean that either of you aren’t good people or that he wasn’t a good boyfriend, but people can grow apart. If you do feel that you want to break up, it’s best to sit down and have an honest conversation where you tell him how you feel as soon as possible. If that’s the case, it’s not fair to either of you to stay in a relationship that isn’t fulfilling or honest.

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I've been friends with this guy off and on since middle school, we kept saying that we were going to go out. I'm now starting my senior year and we just went on our first date. With the way our friendship was off and on, should I worry about the same thing in a relationship? (Obviously we've dated other people until the present)

Think about why your friendship was off and on; was it because it was middle school and it was just an awkward time for everyone, or was it something else? You’ve both come a long way since middle school, so it’s fine to give him the benefit of the doubt while still keeping an eye out for “hot and cold” behavior. The best thing that you can do in this situation is to tell him how you’re feeling. It’s really important to have open communication in a relationship, so it’s definitely fine to let him know you were hurt when you guys stopped talking before, and are concerned about your relationship going forward. If you encourage him to share his feelings, you can make sure that you both are on the same page, which will help your relationship long term.

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So I've been seeing this guy for a while and I really like him, and we want to date, but it seems he's waiting for something and I don't know what. I've asked him too about it, but its hard to understand. Do I wait it out and see what happens? Or...

If you’re tired of waiting and this guy has avoided the question about what he’s waiting for, it might be worth it to ask him again or to ask him to hang out solo and see where it goes from there. You also might decide that you’re tired of waiting—that’s totally okay too! You don’t have any obligation to wait around for someone who won’t give you a straight answer, and if this guy refuses to talk about your relationship, you might be better off looking for someone new.

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I've liked this guy for almost three years and throughout those years we've talked about trying to go out but people always get in the way. Like has turned into love recently, but now he thinks he's in love with one of my close friends. I don't think I can restrain myself anymore. Should I wait?

It’s really difficult to navigate this kind of relationship when you’re somewhere between just friends and a couple. It might be scary, but the best way to figure out what’s going on inside of his head is to have a conversation with him. If you guys have talked about going out before, that’s a good jumping off point to ask where you stand now. The conversation might go really well—which is awesome! But, if he really does like your friend, that might be tough to hear, but at least you’ll have a definite answer as to what’s going on, and that could be the first step in moving past this. There’s no perfect formula for how relationships are supposed to be and no way to perfectly predict what’s going on in a guy’s head, so the best way to figure out what’s going on is to just ask him.

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Me and my boyfriend live in different states. After I went back home we told each other that we loved each other. Last night he asked me if when I come back to visit we could do it, and I don't know if we should?

If you’re having doubts about sex, you might not be ready—and that’s totally okay! Sex is a big decision, and it’s important that both you and your boyfriend are comfortable with taking this step. Long distance relationships can put a lot of pressure on couples to have sex because you guys don’t see each other as often, but that’s not a reason to jump into something if you don’t feel ready. If you do decide to have sex, it’s super important to use protection! If you’re not on birth control or if you just want to understand all of the options available to you, check out our Birth Control Explorer.

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Me and my boyfriend have been together for 9 months everything was perfect until he become friends with this guy that didn't like me. His friend would try everything to break us up and then my boyfriend started pulling away, like he wouldn't talk much, he would always talk to his friend and do stuff with his friend and leave me out. It made me feel like his friend was more important than me, and it would take him hours to text me back. Every hour I would get a text from him and I started losing trust. I thought he was seeing another girl, and now he and his friend aren’t friends any more. Things are lot better but it still takes him a long time to text me back and every time I ask to call him he makes up something like he will always say he's busy or something. I want to trust him but I can't, I think he’s cheating on me, but I just need to know how could I find out ??

It sounds like this guy is doing some shady things, but the best way to know for sure what’s going on is to talk to him face to face. You also might want to take some time to think about what you’re getting out of this relationship. It’s clear that you really care for this guy, but if he isn’t being respectful to you—and it doesn’t sound like he is—it might be time to look for someone new. You deserve someone who will be loving and attentive, no matter what his friends think about the relationship!

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I have been with my boyfriend almost 10 months now. We have been fighting lately for dumb reasons. One thing that really bothers me is the fact that when something happens to me that has to do with a guy and I decide to tell him, he goes off on me. Even though it's not my fault. For example I was walking home from church and a guy asked if I wanted a ride and for my number. I told him this and he questioned everything. It was as if he thought it was my fault. He is also always stating what a relationship is all about, communication, trust and understanding yet when it comes down to it he dosent follow through. I really love him so much but I don't know how much of this behavior from his part, I can take. I don't know how to approach him about this without offending him, making him feel bad and me ending up being the bad guy. What can I do? Is his behavior normal? Can he change?

Controlling behavior is not normal, and it’s not something that you should have to deal with in a relationship. It’s really good that you know this is not your fault—because it isn’t. If you want to talk to this guy about his behavior, try to focus on how what he’s doing makes you feel rather than that you just don’t like it. You might also want to take some time to think about your relationship. Ten months is a long time, but people can change or grow apart, especially when you’re both young. Above everything, it’s important that you feel safe in your relationship, and if you feel unsafe at any point, please tell a trusted adult or friend who can help you figure out what to do next. LoveIsRespect.org has even more resources that might help you figure out what to do next. 

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This guy I really like (and his friends have lead me to believe he might like me too) has done "it" before and I'm afraid there would pressure to have sex if we dated. What do I do to avoid that?

If you know you’re not ready for sex, make that clear from the beginning. If this guy is worth your time, he will respect your decision. Dating a more experienced partner can be intimidating, but relationships can be just as good without sex. Just because this guys has had sex before doesn’t necessarily mean that he’ll expect it right away in a new relationship. The best thing that you can do is have an honest conversation about how far you’re comfortable going early in your relationship. There’s no specific time when you’re supposed to have sex—it’s all about when you and your partner are ready. 

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Me and my best friend really like each other ,we have talked about it a lot...and I really want to ask him out but I don't know if I should...I don't want to lose him as a friend..

That’s a really tricky situation! Going from a friendship to a relationship can be a difficult transition, and it makes a lot of sense that you don’t want to lose him as a friend. If you’re scared to bring up dating out of the blue, you might want to wait for a conversation about your friendship to act as a natural segue. You said that you guys have talked about liking each other quite a bit, so bringing up your future during one of those conversations may be easier than just asking him out. It might still be scary, but you guys both deserve to be out of this gray area between friendship and dating!

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He is very jealous and tries to be controlling, should I stay away from him?

Jealousy and the need for control are not ingredients for a healthy relationship, so if this guy is exhibiting both of these traits, you might want to stay away from him. You deserve to be in a good relationship, with someone who treats you well and makes you feel safe. Controlling behavior is the opposite of that. If you ever feel unsafe, please tell a friend or trusted adult who can help you figure out what do next, or check out the resources at loveisrespect.org.

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My "love interest" doesn't want people to know that we want to date. I've been in love with him for years and I think he's the one, and I understand his reasons for not wanting people to know about us, but... He's constantly talking about things like his friend trying to hook him up with girls and such. It upsets me that he doesn't speak out and tell his friends that he's involved with me and to quit trying to get him a gf. How do I tell him how I feel about everything without seeming like I'm jealous/completely obsessed with him?

If you guys have been seeing each other for a while, it’s totally okay for you to question why he’s keeping it a secret. There can be a tendency in relationships to want to seem “laid back” and not possessive, but if something is making you uncomfortable, you should definitely tell this guy. Confront him calmly and outline your concerns, focusing on how this behavior makes you feel, rather than the fact that you don’t like it. You deserve to be in a relationship with open communication and trust, so even though it might be scary to bring this up, having a talk with this guy is the best way to really understand what’s going on in his head.

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