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Friendship Drama

You love your friends, but sometimes you can't handle all the drama. Luckily, we're here to help. Ask Us Anything about your friendship woes. 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for just over a month and before we liked each other we were friends. Lately, my friend talks about him all the time, saying that he cute and that I'm really lucky to have him. She texts him more than I do half the time and sometimes they make me leave during conversations so they can talk alone. Every time I ask what they're talking about she's says they were talking about me. Should I be worried that my boyfriend is cheating on me with my friend?

It can be hard managing friends and a boyfriend. Chances are, they are talking about you—he may be planning something special or feel like he needs help impressing you now that you guys have started dating.  This might also explain why she thinks he’s so great.

While you can’t control their relationship, you can be more involved in your own. Try telling your boyfriend that you still want to be able to talk openly like you did when you were friends to encourage more communication. Ultimately, open lines of communication are important to a friendship and relationship. As much as things will change when a friend becomes a boyfriend, it shouldn’t mean growing apart. Spending some more time together in the early stage of this relationship may help with the transition, so try a fun date to bring you two closer together.

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I kissed my best friend's boyfriend...what do I do?

Eeek! There are a lot of factors to consider here. First of all, you need to figure out your feelings—do you actually like him? Was this a one time thing?

If you’re still devoted to your friendship, you owe it to her to tell her what happened. This is going to be a tough conversation, so make sure you take it seriously and are honest with her. Your friend will probably be very upset and it’s important to allow her to be upset.  If you want to remain friends, let her know from the beginning that you want to earn back her trust.

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My best friend and her boyfriend will fight in public. It's really uncomfortable for me and my friends. What should we do?

Fighting is a normal part of any relationship, but fights should be productive and fair. If you think their fighting is becoming unhealthy talk to your friend.  Websites like loveisrespect.org can help couples navigate the pitfalls of fighting if it is abusive or unhealthy in any way.

If the fighting is healthy— and just embarrassing for you—try talking to her about it and see what the deal is. This might just mean limiting your time in public with them.

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My friend told my mom she saw me with my boyfriend—but she knew I didn't want my parents finding out about him! Now she's says it was just a mistake. What her deal, is she jealous or something?

It’s hurtful to feel betrayed by a friend. Anything is possible here—the only way to know her intentions is to talk to her. It could be that she was feeling neglected as a friend since you started dating, that she was feeling jealous, or maybe she was just too excited for you to keep it to herself.

If she says it was a mistake, it’s possible that it really was just that. She may not have known or understood how important it was to you. The best way to deal with it is to talk to her so you can put the whole thing behind you and move on with your friendship. You may decide to lay off telling her secrets for a little and that’s okay too. The important thing is to maintain this friendship if she’s important to you.

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Friends with benefits with my ex? Is that a good idea?

Being friends with benefits with anyone is pretty risky business. First of all, if you’re sexually active you could be exposing yourself to risking STIs—this means it’s even more important to use a condom (male or female) every time.

Emotionally, it can be hard to have any type of physical relationship without developing feelings. In this case, it might be extra difficult since you’ve already had such a close emotional connection. Becoming friends with benefits may uncover some feelings you thought you’d left behind, and even if you can handle the arrangement your ex may start getting confused. If either of you are jealous, that’s another thing to consider.

One or both of you could be thinking that this may be a step to getting back together, so think about if that’s something you’d really want. Take some time now to consider why your relationship ended and why you want to be friends with benefits. Think about how this arrangement will be different, hopefully better, from your past relationship.  

There’s a lot to think about if you want to try this arrangement so it’s really important to figure out your feelings first and follow it up with an open and honest conversation about how you two got to where you are today, as well as the potential consequences.

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I like my really close friend—and he found out! He says he likes me too BUT he also likes my other friend. Now I'm pushing him away because of jealousy. I think he still likes me because he doesn't want me to push him away. I do like him—but I don't know how to handle it when he has crushes on both of us.

Ack, sounds tricky! Have you talked to your friend about her feelings towards him? If your friend likes him as well, that’s definitely going to be something to consider moving forward. It may be a good idea to talk to your friend to make sure this doesn’t get between you two.

You deserve someone who only likes you and will put as much into you as you put into them. He may not be ready to fulfill that role and take the next step with you but the only way to find out is to have an honest conversation with him. Does he really still like your friend? The truth of the matter is that if he has multiple crushes, whether it’s two or five, he’s not ready to be in a relationship.

Getting over him as a crush may mean you need some time apart and that’s okay. It sounds like he’s pretty nervous he’s going to lose you completely so if you do take some time away from him make sure he knows it’s not the end of your friendship, but rather you’re taking this time for the friendship.

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I have a huge crush on one of my best friends, but he's a grade above me, and older by two years. I think he likes me because he's extremely cuddly and flirty, but he's always like that to everyone. Lately I've been thinking this more because he seems to cuddle with me way more than with other people. I really, /really/ don't want to mess anything up in our friendship, so I'm not sure if I should ask him. I think the better option would be just to wait and see, what should I do?

An age gap can make things confusing, dating an older guy can come with its own set of potential issues. The fact that you guys are friends means that your relationship could be that much more fulfilling faster, but it also means you could potentially be risking the friendship. Think about how you’d tackle these issues in a best case scenario, where he reciprocates your feelings, first.

His affection towards you makes it seem like your feelings are reciprocated, but the only way to find out for sure is to hear it from him. If you do decide to tell him how you feel, and your feelings aren’t reciprocated, it will unfortunately be on you to make sure he knows you still want to be friends and let him know that your feelings won’t change your friendship. This is a lot to think about, so make sure you’ve sorted out your feelings before taking the next step to hear his.

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It's been just over a month now, but people from school keep making fun of my boyfriend and I because we're in a relationship now. They tease him in class all the time and he says he doesn't mind it, but it hurts when I can't do anything about it. Is there something I can do to make these people stop making fun of us?

It sounds like your friends might be jealous of your relationship. That's not cool and I would suggest that the two of you call them out on it together. Talk to him beforehand so you're a united front when you talk to them. Explain how they're actions are hurting you both, and bluntly ask them to stop. 

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I've been dating my boyfriend for over two months now. But I can tell my best friend likes him. She says she doesn't, but every time she drops something she asks him to pick it up and they talk non-stop. Also when the three of us are talking she'll hand me her stuff to hold while she goes to talk to him. She tries to ruin my relationship and it feels like she's almost taking my spot in it right now. Does she really like him as more than a friend and should I be worried about my relationship with my friend and with my boyfriend?

It can be hard managing friends and a boyfriend. While you can’t control their relationship, you can be more involved in your own. Try telling your boyfriend that you want to be able to talk openly with him to encourage more communication. Ultimately, open lines of communication are important to a friendship and relationship. Make sure he knows it makes you uncomfortable to watch your friend flirt with him and ask him to set some boundaries with her.

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If your best friend is supposedly dating your crush that you want to ask out what do you do?

That's a tricky situation. Since this is your best friend, it's probably best to prioritize your friendship over your crush. Since you're not sure if they're dating you need to talk to your best friend to find out. If they are, you owe it to your friend to back off. If they're not, you and friend will have to talk about if it's ok for you to ask your crush out or if your crush is off limits to both of you. Remember that your relationship with your best friend is like a relationship with a romantic partner; the key to any relationship is to make sure that it’s healthy—that both parties are happy and that they support and care for each other. 

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I am a girl and I have this guy best friend that I've been friends with for a little over half a year now, and I like him. He just broke up with his girlfriend. He says we are best friends, we text all the time, but when we see each other in person (which is every day since we ride the same bus) he never really says anything. He sits next to me, and then most of the other times he sits with other girls on my bus, and I feel like chopped liver, and I don't know what to do.

The best thing to do might be to let him know how you’re feeling, especially since you guys are so close. It’s important to be honest in any type of relationship, whether you guys are dating or just best friends, so that there’s no room for miscommunication that can start arguments. It doesn’t have to be confrontational—you can start by asking him to sit with you, or asking him to hang out outside of school. It’s completely possible that he doesn’t know that you’re feeling neglected! The only way for you guys to get on the same page is to tell him how you’re feeling and let him share his perspective.

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My friend asked me out, even though he knew I was straight, and I'm feeling guilty because not only has he been rejected loads before, I'm the one that made him bi. I don't know what to do, please help.

Don't feel guilty, rejection is part of life and it happens to all of us. If a friend asks you, out and you simply aren't into them in a romantic way, that's okay, be empathetic and try to support your friend the best way you can. However, if you feel like a boundary was crossed, make sure you feel safe and comfortable around you friend and consider the consequences (that could be positive or negative) in continuing the friendship. You can not take credit for someone else's sexuality. Sexuality is both fluid and deeply personal. It is something that is not a choice and can not be 'caused.' If you want to continue your friendship, put yourself in your friend's shoes and be the kind of friend you would want to have. 

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What should I do when someone comes to talk to my friend and ignores me completely? Should I wait for them to finish or walk away after telling my friend?

It's so annoying when people do that. If you have something to add to the conversation, feel free to chime in and add your thoughts. If you don't, walk away. You should only be in spaces where you feel welcome and appreciated. If you notice that one or a few people in particular are repeatedly doing this, try talking to your friend about it to see if they can be more aware and work you into the conversation. 

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My friend is dating my ex and what should I do cause I still like him?

That is a rough situation. There's no way to control how you feel so don't beat yourself up too much. Getting over an ex is always tough, and it’s totally okay to feel conflicted if he's moved on before you. But it's also important not to do anything to jeopardize your friendship or your friend's relationship. If you need to back off hanging out with them together do it. Take care of yourself! 

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My friend broke up with his girlfriend and she asked me out a few days later, is it ok for me to date her?

There are a couple of factors at play here. The first is that there's an element of timing. If it's only been a few days it might be best to wait until making a decision one way or another. A second is that you should probably check in with your friend, both to understand why he ended the relationship, but also to make sure that he's ok with it. If your friend gives you the go-ahead and you like his ex then you're in the clear. If your friend has reservations you need to consider whether or not you like his ex enough to test your friendship. And that's a question that only you can answer. 

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I was sitting next to my friend and her boyfriend. He had his arm around her waist and he started to touch my ass on purpose. What do I do?

You should talk to her boyfriend to tell him that explictly that you don't like what he did and that you don't want it to happen again. What he did is not ok, he violated your personal space and cheated on your friend. He's also potentially harmed your friendship as well and that's not ok. You should also talk to your friend to tell her what happened. Explain to her that you've told him to stop, that you don't like him, that you don't want him to touch you, and that you will always put friendship with her above a guy.

It's hard to know how people will react in situations like this, but we hope that you'll be able to walk away knowing that you did the right thing for yourself and by your friend. 

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My best friend and I had sex and now it's #awkward. What should I do? Can we have a no strings attached relationship? Can we just be friends?

Both of these are viable options for you, but you can't make the decision by yourself. You and your friend need to talk about what happened and decide what to do going forward. We get that it probably feels super awkward right now and there's not too much you can do to get around that fact. It might help to remember that your best friend is likely feeling just as awkward as you are though and start your conversation by saying out loud that you're feeling a little embarrassed/uncomfortable just to get it out there. Good luck! 

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I have two friends that do not get along and I do not want to separate or chose but they separated and I have to choose pls help me

Ugh, that is tough and a lot of us have been there before! We can be kind to people and choose to be their friend, but we can not make two people like each other. It's okay if people don't want to be our friend or even friends with our friends. It's unrealistic to expect everyone to get along, even if we really want them to or don't really understand why people don't like each other. All you can do is be kind and compassionate to your friends and choose them carefully. Choosing your friends means spending time and investing energy in those that also invest in you, want the best for you, support you, and whom you trust. 

You should tell each of your friends that while you don't expect them to be friends, they cannot tell you who to be friends with. Let them know that you're willing to not talk about the other person around them so they don't have to hear about someone they don't get along with, but that in return you'd appreciate if they can not bring that person up either. 

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