If life were a Rom-Com, you’d meet someone you’re crazy about, fall in love, have one big fight, make up in a spectacular cliff hanger, and then live happily ever after. But in the real world, fighting is a fact of life for long term relationships. And for that reason, it’s absolutely essential that you learn to fight fair. Here’s how:
Take 5. When you feel yourself getting worked up and headed towards an argument, take a second to get your thoughts in order. Even if it’s only in the form of a deep breath, take the time to double check what you’re about to say and make sure that you really mean it. Anything you say can—and often will—be held against you as your relationship moves forward. And often how you start an argument sets the tone for the entire fight. If you start out in full attack mode, you can bet that your squabble will turn into a nasty one.
Don’t be mean. Yes, you may be in a fight. But that’s not an excuse to be mean (even though you might really really want to be). There’s a difference between expressing what upset you or why you’re mad and just being straight up nasty. Saying something like: “You’re a piece of crap and I can’t believe I’m dating you” is just hurtful. Saying something more along the lines of: “I’m really upset that you didn’t spend time talking to me at that party” is not only a nicer way of expressing your frustration, it actually articulates what you’re actually upset about. (And though it may feel like it in the moment, what you’re upset about usually isn’t that your significant other is just generally a piece of crap…. even if they act like it sometimes.)
Remember your goal. It can be easy to lose sight of this when there’s smoke coming out of your ears, but remember that the goal of any fight is to resolve it. The goal isn’t to get your bf/gf to feel like a horrible person, make them cry, or get them to admit that you’re 100% right.That being said, getting an “I’m sorry” may be an important part of the resolution. Even if you two don’t see completely eye to eye about how things went down, one can always apologize for the fact that they made someone they care about upset.
Fight productively. This means instead of using attacking and accusatory statements like “you did this…” or “you’re a that…” explain how your significant other’s actions made you feel. All of the relationship self-help guru’s suggest expressing yourself this way: “When you did_________ it made me feel_________.” As cheesy as that sentence looks written out on paper, I promise that fighting this way will make your partner much less defensive and make the fight way more productive.
Learn from it. The best thing you can do after an argument is learn from it. No two people are exactly the same. That means the things that upset you and the things that upset your partner are going to be different. Your fights are your opportunity to learn about the things that push each other’s buttons, and the actions that you should avoid. From there, you can have a stronger relationship in the future.
So tell us your battle strategy—is it all name-calling and anger? Or can you step back and reasonably fight your fights? What are your best tactics for getting through an argument without losing the relationship?
