Sometimes No Is the Best Answer
Rejection: it hurts. No one likes hearing the word “no” come out of anyone’s mouth, especially from a boyfriend or girlfriend. But those two letters could be the reason you don’t become pregnant or contract an STI. No matter how hard or uncomfortable it is, we need to know it’s okay to say no to sex. Teens must think twice before having sex, because once it’s done, there is no going back.
Messages to have sex are all around us; whether they’re from our friends, peers, older siblings, or the media. This is why it is especially hard to say no to a partner: we don’t want to hurt their feelings or we fear we are doing something wrong or maybe we’re afraid we are breaking social norms. But, no matter how prevalent sex is, most of it really is a façade. In fact, more than half of high school-aged teens are virgins. This is why it’s okay to say no; most of us are not ready and want to wait.
If you are being pressured to have sex, the best thing you can do is be honest and tell your partner why you aren’t ready to have sex. Even if you’ve heard it since elementary school, honesty is the best policy. A flat out “No!” sounds defensive and harsh and will not help get your message across. If you want your boyfriend or girlfriend to understand your reservations, you have to create open communication. By explaining why you don’t want to have sex, you are expressing your feelings, which should matter to the person who’s asking you to share this intimate experience. Sex is serious so you want to make sure you are doing it with someone who thinks so as well.
The worst thing is thinking you know someone, then being blindsided when that person insists you have sex with them. You feel betrayed, confused, and maybe scared. If you love this person, these feelings multiply because you trust him or her in a way that’s different from the way you feel about your other friends. So, is being honest and expressing your feelings of being not ready going to change your relationship? Maybe. Being pressured to have sex is not necessarily a relationship-ender, though it can be. You might second-guess what you thought about that person. Why would someone I love try to pressure me to do something I don’t want to? Is it okay that I want to say “no”? These questions will swirl around in your brain. But is it really okay to ask the person you are with why they are urging you to do something you are not comfortable with? YES. If this person cares about you, he or she will listen to what you want and respect it. If not, that person is not worth your time.
What’s important to remember is that it’s okay to say “no”. Sex is not a mandatory component to being in a relationship. Just trust your gut and do what your comfortable with and you’ll be just fine.
Do you think it’s hard to say no to a partner who wants to do more sexually than you do? Why or why not? What are your best tips for saying no without hurting someone’s feelings? Tell us your thoughts in the comments!
Allison is 17 and from Bethesda, Maryland. She is a member of The National Campaign’s Youth Leadership Team. Nothing makes her happier than crime drama marathons, especially back-to-back episodes of Bones. Have a question for Allison? Email us!
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WHAT OTHER TEENS ARE SAYING:
I learn alot from this article an thats why im waiting
Wow thanks for the article it made me feel better ,well i think we are gonna break up coz i said i dnt gve a damn who he sleeps with coz am nt wiling to satisfy his needs then he freakd out saying i dont care about him BUT I REALLY LOVE HIM im afraid im gon lose him
Heloooo, I am 15 and I completely agree with this article. It makes sense if you think about it... If you are in a relationship with somebody and you care about each other it shouldn't be a big deal to them to wait. If you plan a future with somebody, sex can wait until the future, when you are older and more prepared. And if you don't plan on having a future with them, then you shouldn't be considering sex right? You shouldn't be embarrassed to say no, it just shows you respect yourself and people will respect that about you. I also think it's important to talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend before you guys are in the situation, that way you both are on the same page on how both of you feel about sex so neither of you will feel any pressure.
It is true when you say most who have had sex before regret it or wish they had waited. i wish i would have lost my virginity to someone else, plus it isnt even that great the first time you do it. just wait, it is the best thing. if anything, use a condom or get birth control. if your mom is as strict as my mom and you cant get birth control then make sure to use a condom and be careful. trust your partner, and if your not ready just say your not. if he/she loves you they will wait with you. trust me!
Allison, this "post" or "article" is really impressive, truthful, motivating and so encouraging! I'm an adult & even though I do NOT have a child that is a teen yet, I started to check out this website today bc I found a link for it on Anderson Cooper's Daytime Talk Show website (the "Teen Mom" episode on his show aired today & they had a ton of resources links, this being one of them).
This is my 1st time on this site, and I have to say, I am really impressed & oh so happy to see this type of information at the fingertips of teens/tweens/parents/heck.....adults WITHOUT kids yet (it's never too early to start reading up on stuff like this/start to think about what values&morals you will teach your child/and just start your brain thinking about these types things!). I absolutely love what I am seeing/reading on this site! It's so refreshing & comforting for me to see a site that wants to teach young adults about difficult & mature situations, to get their brains start to think about these issues, to provide facts/statistics, provide resources, to allow encouragement/support/feedback to everyone. I also think it's fabulous that this site is reporting on many subjects & different options for young adults & says that they "aren't the abstinence people. But they aren't the people who will hand out condoms to everyone". Because let's face it, that's pretty much the only choices you young adults have! And I personally do not think that this is the most effective way to teach our youth how to handle themselves in difficult situations, give them the proper knowledge & tools to think about these issues & make the right decisions for themselves, get the facts&statistics to them & guide them in heading down the right path in life. I'm thrilled to see that this site is really a place that you teens can come & read about important issues & help you sort them out for yourselves, and isn't "preaching" left & right to you all about abstinence only, or safe sex only. The articles/posts talk about both sides (and all in between), but isn't favored 1 way or the other. This helps you guys be able to be more open minded & get the information that you NEED & may not be able to get elsewhere!
YOUR ARTICLE was the FIRST article I read on here (that wasn't the "about us" or "intro" or "letter to the parents" etc). While reading this article, I was thinking about how well put the information & thoughts were & how it was helping the reader sort out the thoughts they may be having about the decisions they would be making, and how to start thinking more in depth about their decisions, and the situation they were in. I came to the end of the article, and saw your profile below it. At first, I thought it was a random profile of one of the members of this organization & their success story (& that at the bottom of each article, there would be a rotation of which member was featured). I was BLOWN AWAY to find out that this was NOT THE CASE, but that YOU WERE THE AUTHOR OF THIS AMAZING, WELL THOUGHT OUT, INSIGHTFUL, THOUGHT PROVOKING, NEUTRAL SIDED, INFORMATIVE, AMAZING ARTICLE!!!! NOT TO MENTION HOW MATURELY & ELOQUENTLY THE ARTICLE WAS WRITTEN!!! I honestly thought that an adult had surely written this piece of work!
I think it's absolutely fabulous that this organization/site allows actual young adults & teens to participate in the education & thought process of their peers!!
I wish that when I was a teen/young adult, that there were resources LIKE THIS, &places that I could read&contact peers LIKE YOU to discuss the difficult situations & issues that EVERY TEEN FACES AT SOME POINT IN TIME!
Heck, when I was a tween, the internet was JUST STARTING (ok, I'm aging myself here & I shouldn't give away too much & make me sound old!), not everyone had a home computer, what WAS ON THE INTERNET WAS VERY LIMITED (mostly you could only email & even that was limited!) , and there certainly was NOT any sites/resources like this that I could easily access at anytime, from anywhere!! I went through some of the same issues & situations that teens now & days go through & that some of these articles are based on, & I definitely could have used this sort of thing then! It would have been nice to be able to connect with other young adults like you & the others on here & work through/think in depth about what I was going through!
I'm absolutely AMAZED at this article you wrote!!! You have a talent in writing, and are extremely mature & thoughtful! With this sort of mind set, you will surely make the right decisions in life to lead you down the right path, to get you far in life, to be safe & happy & to be successful beyond your wildest dreams! You are surely going to take the world by storm & paint every town red!!! You are a force to be reckoned with girl! I'll be sure to keep my eyes peeled on this site for anything else you have written!!!!
And keep up the great work!
You are absolutely fabulous (aka Ab-Fab!!)
Thanks for being so involved & writing articles about touchy teen issues. You have probably touched many lives already & made a difference and I'm sure that you will continue to do so!
Very impressive & inspiring!!
Thank You!
If you really love your partner and want to wait to have sex with them just tell them that and if they love you as much as you love them they will understand. :) if someone loves you they will respect your standards and be willing to stay with you! And wait of course:)
Hi I am 11 and i totally agree with you.i have been watching the shows and ads it's a major deal.
this is an amazing article. It helped me alot to see that i can say no and that even though everyone is telling me to and it is still okay to say no. Thank you so much. without things like this on this sit i would probably be in a very different place right now.
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