News Flash: I Don't Think I'm Ready

Every week, we get a ton of questions asking everything from how to use a condom to how to talk to that cute guy in AP English. When we get a really good one, we want to share it with the world because—chances are—more than one person has the very same question. So, from time to time, we'll be sharing the best of the best (anonymously of course!)...have a question for us? Send us an email!


 

Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 11 months...we're in love. He's had sex already before, but I'm a virgin. I love him but I don't know if I'm ready for sex. How can I tell if I'm ready?

 
 
Our Answer: There’s no perfect moment when you’ll suddenly know that you’re ready for sex. Sex is a complicated and personal decision so it’s all about knowing what’s best for you. No one else can tell you when you’re ready but here are a few things you should consider:
  • Are you doing this because YOU want to? Or are you thinking about having sex because your b/f wants you to?
  • Maybe you’re not sure you’re ready, but your partner is putting on the pressure?
  • Do all your friends seem to be having sex, so you feel you should be too?

Having sex because someone else is pressuring you is not a good reason. Remember, you're in charge of your own life—don't let anyone pressure you into having sex.

It's important to realize that there can be physical and emotional consequences to having sex...if you're not ready to deal with those, then it's better to wait until you're more ready. Another thing to think about is whether you and your partner on the same page. You can’t expect to understand what your partner is thinking or expect them to understand what you’re thinking if you aren’t talking about it. You’ve got to talk with your partner about how they feel about sex, what each of you are comfortable doing, and what each of you will do to prevent pregnancy and STIs. If you can’t talk about sex with your partner, then you’re probably not ready to have it. It’s as simple as that.

Another very important factor to consider is birth control. It’s really important that you know how to protect against pregnancy and STIs. If you’re going to have sex, you have to use birth control consistently and correctly every single time you have sex in order to prevent unplanned pregnancy and STIs. This is also something major you should talk to your boyfriend about...and if you feel weird having that conversation, it may be a sign that you're not ready for sex. 
 
The decision to have sex is a BIG one. If you feel comfortable with the situation and have had an open and sincere conversation about sex with your partner, maybe you are ready. But if you aren’t totally comfortable with the decision, then you probably aren't. It might help to talk to someone you trust about the pros and cons of the situation. Even if it seems tough, try talking to your parents and getting their advice. Or try another trusted adult, older sibling, or responsible friend who is willing to talk to you.
 

There’s no perfect moment when you’ll suddenly know that you’re ready for sex. Sex is a complicated and personal decision so it’s all about knowing what’s best for you. No one else can tell you when you’re ready but here are a few things you should consider:
 
Are you doing this because YOU want to? Or are you thinking about having sex because someone else wants you to? Maybe you’re not sure you’re ready, but your partner is putting on the pressure? Or maybe all your friends seem to be having sex, so you feel you should be too? Having sex because someone else is pressuring you is not a good reason. Remember, you're in charge of your own life—don't let anyone pressure you into having sex.
Have you seriously considered the consequences of having sex? Obviously, sex can have some serious physical consequences, such as unplanned pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections (STIs). If you’re going to have sex, you need to think about birth control options and choose a method that will work for you.  But sex is more than just the physical stuff. Have you considered the emotional consequences that sex might have on you, your partner, and your relationship? Having sex with someone takes things to a whole new level—are you and your partner ready for that? Have you talked about it? If you’re not sure that you’re ready or you haven’t talked with your partner (or are too embarrassed to), it might be a good idea to wait.
Are you and your partner on the same page? You can’t expect to understand what your partner is thinking or expect them to understand what you’re thinking if you aren’t talking about it. You’ve got to talk with your partner about how they feel about sex, what each of you are comfortable doing, and what each of you will do to prevent pregnancy and STIs. If you can’t talk about sex with your partner, then you’re probably not ready to have it. It’s as simple as that.
Do you know how to have protect yourself? It’s really important that you know how to protect against pregnancy and STIs. If you’re going to have sex, you have to use birth control consistently and correctly every single time you have sex in order to prevent unplanned pregnancy and STIs. Remember: if you're having sex and not using birth control, you're planning to get pregnant. Again, this is something you need to talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend about before you have sex so you’re both okay about what you’re going to use.
The decision to have sex is a BIG one. If you feel comfortable with the situation and have had an open and sincere conversation about sex with your partner, maybe you are ready. But if you aren’t totally comfortable with the decision, then you probably aren't. It might help to talk to someone you trust about the pros and cons of the situation. Even if it seems tough, try talking to your parents and getting their advice. Or try another trusted adult, older sibling, or responsible friend who is willing to talk to you

WHAT OTHER TEENS ARE SAYING:

ON JULY 15, 2014 AT 11:52 PM, ATANTE SAID:

Im in a relationship with a guy that has a girlfriend, were not having sex but we're in love, how do I tell him that I can't be with him if he has a girlfriend

ON JULY 7, 2014 AT 8:07 AM, ANONYMOUS SAID:

Don't have sex because your boyfriend wants you too.
Just don't.
To any girl who thinks it's the only way to keep him around because you love him, it's not.
And if sex is the only way to keep him around he isn't worth losing your virginity to.
Hell even sex if you aren't a virgin should mean something.

And to verify myself, and prove a point I wanna tell my story.

When I was 14 I fell in love with this wonderful guy that was the son of my foster mother.
She was okay with us being together.
Tall, dark & handsome with beautiful blue eyes and a sculpted.
He was every girls dream.
He was 16, it wasn't a big age difference so I didn't really worry about it.
His 17th birthday was also out one year anniversary(and about 2 months before my 15th birthday).
He wanted sex as his gift.
I was scared and honestly wasn't ready.
So I told him that.
He tried the 'if you really loved me you'd have sex with me'.
I felt so guilty because I did love him.
I told him I wanted to wait, and that maybe for our two year/his 18th Birthday would be a better idea.
He got so ticked at me.
And he was yelling and screaming so I just kissed him to shut him up.
After that, he wouldn't stop.
The farthest we had ever been was like underwear and a t-shirt for me.
And he forced me into sex with him.
No condom.
I wasn't on birth control.
Luckily I didn't get pregnant.

But I loved this guy, so I stayed with him and didn't tell my parents.
Hell, I didn't tell anyone.

And things got worse;
he continued forcing me,
and sometimes he would shove me and hit me around.

I got pregnant at 15.

I was 5 ft 5(kinda tall for a girl my age/race) and about 85-90 pounds.
Not suitable to carry a baby.

I told his mom I was pregnant at around the 3 month mark.
She took me to doctor appointments, and I told him.
He seemed so happy but he was still mean to me.

When I found out the sex of my baby I was ecstatic.
I was having a little girl.
He and I decided on naming her Aiden Marie.

One day I went out for coffee with an old friend from my last foster care without asking him first.
When I got home he was pissed.
He beat the hell out of me.
The next morning when I woke up I hit my period.
I lost my baby when I was 7 months pregnant.

Girls, the moral of me posting my story all over this website is the fact that don't have sex unless you're 100% ready for the possible emotional and physical repercussions of it.
And if you're gonna have sex, or even considering having sex.
Talk to a parent, or a trusted teacher about getting put on birth control and make sure you have conforms; don't leave that up to the guy.
And remember that birth control takes at least 2-3 weeks to be in your system and work effectively.
I personally would wait the entire first month.
It doesn't make you a slut to be on it.
It's just precautionary.
Be safe while having sex;
Mentally and physically.

Be prepared for the emotions that follow sex.

And to the girls asking if it hurts; it's gonna hurt a little.
That's just how it goes the very first time.
But make sure you are comfortable and that you're (this is kinda awkward) properly 'lubericated' or your hymin will tear instead of bend.
It's not technically unhealthy for it to tear, most girls' do; but it's more comfortable and more enjoyable for it to bend.

Girls, just stay safe, don't do anything you don't want to do and stay strong.

ON JUNE 29, 2014 AT 4:45 AM, ANONYMOUS SAID:

So, I'm 15. I had never had even my first kiss until recently. I've always been on the whole waiting side, I've ALWAYS said that. But now my hormones are raging & I still want to wait. I'm not ready, I'm only 15 & my journey had just began! I have a lot of dreams & plans for myself. But my boyfriend wants to. & when I told him I'm not ready, I've never even do anything, he just said "Oh give it time you'll be ready." I don't want to break off the relationship, but at the same time I feel like he doesn't understand when I say I'm bot ready, & I'm horrible about giving into peer pressure. He's not pressuring me now, but I am afraid that in the future he will & I will do something I regret. I am on the pill, because I have an ovarian cyst, & protection is no issue. But I am not personally ready.

ON MARCH 30, 2014 AT 9:28 AM, ANONYMOUS SAID:

I'm scared to have sex beacause people say it hurts when you hve sex for the first time.!! Is that true?

ON MARCH 25, 2014 AT 5:51 PM, ANONYMOUS SAID:

My friends tell me it hurts and one of them cried. Is that true? I thought I was ready but that just scared me.

ON MARCH 24, 2014 AT 10:56 PM, ANONYMOUS SAID:

i want to have sex because i want to and am attracted to the physical side of sex but im starting to think i should talk to my bf about how im scared of the "after" if the sex will change the relationship, BUT i do want to have sex cause frankly, i want to expreince the sexial sensation sex has to offer. Im 16 turning 17 and hes 17 turning 18 HELP

ON MARCH 19, 2014 AT 6:54 PM, ANONYMOUS SAID:

I have this feeling that I want to have sex but I feel like when I do the guy I do it with will judge my body I'm skinny and have a nice but and boobs but without clothes on I just feel ugly.

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